J’s Story: Day 3

Posted: January 3, 2016 in Stories from Other People

Day 3 , GAME DAY, It was a normal Sunday. Only exception it was my 3rd day at UBH. My wife and I asked many staff members if we could watch something else know that this would be the first time in over 30 years I would not participate in a week end. The staff would be antimate about showing the game. Camille continued to ask for my doctor, still no sighting of him. My wife’s stayed with me to comfort me. I watched sparingly as Camille continued to bring me back to my room. As the day continued my anxiety rose and I became agitated. We ate dinner in the common room together. Before her time was up my wife pleaded with the staff to keep a close watch on me and possibly give me some medicine to help me. Camille had to leave so I made my way to my room. I read the bible for peace, channeling my Christian friends. Tonight was the most agitating, thinking of losing my career and family. The later it got the more unsettled I became. Around 6am. I decided I wanted to kill myself. First I tried banging my head on the bed corners, bruises, no luck. Next I tried banging my head on the bathroom fixtures, they were designed not to assist in that encounter. I became very frustrated, I wondered how I could do those things and no one at the nurses station could hear me. As I laid back down I noticed my supplies that I kept bringing back from counseling sessions. Amongst the supplies were 3 golf pencils. I first attempted to force a pencil in my ear, not working. I didn’t have the will power to enter my eye. Finally I thought if I could jam a pencil into my brain through my nose I could get the results I want, Death, end of my mental unwinding.

As I place the first pencil in my nose I could hear tissue destroyed every little movement. No blood, just tissue destroyed. I proceeded to push a second pencil behind the first. I could hear stronger tissue and began to see more blood. I began to destroy the second nostril. A lot of tissue broken, no blood. Knowing I needed more depth, I used my toothbrush to push the third pencil higher until I saw blood. I sat in my bed for a couple of minutes wondering what I had done. Eventually I walked to the common room and collapsed.

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